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My Disdain for Jim Halpert

Posted by Jim Firestorm on 9/27/2012 to Misc.
When you hear the name Jim Halpert, you probably think of the long-haired, lanky, main character from the popular long-running sitcom “The Office.” A prankster he is, constantly making a fool of Dwight Schrute through various gags, some of which often take days or even weeks of meticulous set-up in order to reach the point of their reveal (i.e. the coins in the phone prank). All these pranks do is make you think he’s a cool guy that you’d want to hang out with. However, I figured out seasons ago that he’d probably be the most boring person in the world, eventually driving all of his friends away, to live a life of lonely isolation.

Here are the reasons behind my disdain for Mr. Halpert, in a rather list-like fashion:

1. Viewers were only interested in him because they wanted to know if he’d shag Pam.

The pranks against Dwight, the shaggy hair and the ne’er-do-well attitude are all just covers to make you think Jim is an exciting guy. It’s the same as giving Bart Simpson a skateboard so you know he’s got AT-TI-TUDE!

Now imagine there was no Jim and Pam overarching plot. The only reason you watched Jim, or even thought you found him likeable, was because he was after that cute receptionist. You know, the one who wanted to be an artist and have a terrace outside her bedroom. The one who felt trapped in an unhappy relationship. The one who had all sorts of other interesting character develop-y things that happened outside her work life. You see, Jim secretly liked this girl, and when he wasn’t picking his ass or putting Dwight’s supplies in Jell-o, he was trying to impress her. Actually, he was pranking Dwight to impress her… so technically, when he wasn’t picking his ass, he was trying to win over Pam.

Wake up...pick ass...bring Jell-o to work...pick ass...go home...sleep.

Basically his main focus in life was Pam (maybe he was written specifically as a shell of a man so all women viewers would find him attractive, eh ladies?). What did you want to be when you were young Jim? “Uh, I don’t know, I’m just so cool.” Oh that’s nice… so can you do another prank so Pam will dump her fiance and you two can get it on? Because I really can’t stand this Moulder/Scully thing happening here.

Oh, he did win Pam, got married to her? Oh, they have two kids?! Maybe Jim will be a bit neurotic or worn out from a crazy home life or the fact that he realizes he has nowhere to go in life other than the paper company at which he works.  Maybe an old flame will tempt him back, and he’ll have to resist due to his unyielding love for Pam.  No?  So he just loves family and his wife and does nothing else? Oh… this is the shell I’m talking about ladies.

2. Jim Halpert is unfathomably terrible at video games.

In this episode, we see Jim attempting to play Call of Duty with some co-workers (who, by the way, appear to have properly functioning eyes and motor skills). At one point, he jumps repeatedly in a corner until he’s shot in the head (in the game… unfortunately). Now, I understand that not everyone is great at video games, but the only excuse you can have to be staring at the screen like a complete idiot is that you were born before 1970.

Duhhhh…these shoot people in the face games are too complex.

This is supposed to be a man in his 20’s in the 21st century, a man living in the age of the Internet & smart phones? Hell, the modern TV menu takes more concentration then it took to play Pitfall, and this dingus stares at the screen like my grandma did the first time she saw Mortal Kombat (it was a weird moment).

Hey, what’s the big idea? He just uppercutted that man’s head clean off!

3. Pam (the “Love of his Life”) admitted he sucks.

In the episode where Michael and Dwight go to buy a condo, Jim decides to create the Dunder Mifflin Olympics (because he’s just so wAcKy). A series of entertaining events unfold as his office mates compete in various events that mimic real Olympic events in hilarious ways. One thing that always got me about that scene is when Pam, the woman he secretly loves and would eventually marry, says: “The thing about Jim is when he's excited about something, like the Office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here, so that hardly ever happens.” There she is, basically admitting he’s boring roughly 40 hours a week. Take out an extra 56 hours for sleep and that’s a minimum of 72 hours a week for Jim to do something interesting.

I love you…well, I really like you, I mean, you’re a nice person…actually you’re pretty shitty and boring.

4. I’d hang around with anyone else in the Office.

If I hung around with Jim, I’d probably end up watching some boring sporting event and drinking responsibly. I think I’d hang around with anyone else in the office. Kevin’s got a band and loves to play cards. Dwight could engage me in a katana duel. Meredith could get black out drunk with me (though things could get weird), and Michael Scott would just be awesome to hang with for many reasons. What does Jim do with his time? What’s he got, pranks? Is he going to prank me every time we hang out? No, cause that’s what a jerk does, and I don’t like hanging around with jerks.

Scrantoncity 2 is sooo boss.